Sunday, May 30, 2010

I just thought of something

A bird in the hand is worth freaking out over.

Note to lifeguards

Correct: "Mrs. Black would like to see her children, poolside!"
Incorrect: "Could the Black kids please get out of the pool now!"

Saturday, May 29, 2010

We want answers

The answer to the quiz



is




Moon River


Hey, I only copied it. My original stuff is'nt that good

Friday, May 28, 2010

What the...?



I haven't forgotten about posting the answer to the quiz...
...but I did serious consider waiting until next Thursday

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

For those of you who were here yesterday, I hope you didn't think I was gonna let anyone else in on the fun.

Today's post is quiz. Robyn gave me the idea. She does quizzes.

Anyhow, this is a musical quiz and is simple enough.

Can you name the tune, just by looking at the picture?



The best thing about this post is I don't have to think about what to post tomorrow unless I forget the answer

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I will not forget this time...

That is I won't forget if someone reminds me that tomorrow is Thursday and that means it is again time for the
Sure
Happy
It's
Thursday post.
I haven't a clue about what to post... or even what the theme is all about. So, maybe someone can offer some suggestions

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'


The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.



The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,



'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,


'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'

Monday, May 24, 2010

Today is Janet Green Day

.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.


This explains the title of the post.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The founder of Jews for Jesus died last Wednesday;
the funeral will be catered by Vegetarians for Meat.

Memorial Day Comes First

Some time last October Suldog, who is a much better writer has a different writing style than I, reminded many of us that, in relation to Christmas, Thanksgiving comes first. Now we are approaching our national holiday. On July 4 we will celebrate Independence Day. Well, I'm pretty sure that we should stop for a moment on May 31 to remember those who have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could continue to have that independence.


Feel free to steal the image from the sidebar.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I started a new feature a couple of weeks ago

Then I promptly forgot about it.
Typical!
I called it sure happy it's Thursday. Let me rephrase that:
Sure
Happy
It's
Thursday
I'm not sure what the plan was, but I believe I expected that anyone reading this blog would immediately jump in and contribute, or emulate my posts, or steal stuff... crap I dunno.
Anyway I forgot two weeks in a row.




BTW - I found another hamster and stole it from the Invisible Seductress blog. Now if only I could get them all to go in the same direction at the same time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

More whatchamacallits for the gallery

These guys are from this week:






Once again it would be fun to see what definitions others might come up with for these.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings,
And I have even done it myself
A couple times unintentionally
But this one is real, and it's
Important.

Please send this warning to everyone
On your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door
Saying they are checking for ticks
Due to the warm weather
And asks you to take your clothes off
And dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.


* * *



To find out if you're ready for Summer, take this quiz.

Monday, May 17, 2010

You know what they say about ASSuME

The company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.. Why?
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY.
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing! Jeez, I just can't win!!!!"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Ouch

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the &*&(&%$ thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What the...?

I read that Playboy magazine is going to have 3-D centerfolds.

I'm speechless!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Nominated

as the world's best short joke.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mum,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

The Problem with Going Away

...and having a blog is if you can't find a connection for the interweb, you can't add new drivel. If you don't take into account that you might just take an extra day... or find yourself spending a whole day catching up on all of the other blogs you visit... you will have an empty space where your daily blog post usually goes.
Oh. Heaven. Forbid.
Get over it!
Besides, this is funner <- [I did that on purpose, although funnier works too].

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mothers Day

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house..

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1.. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Busywork

I'm gonna be away*.
So take your time to peruse this document and make suggestions for improvement.



*Back on Monday

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I can't make up stuff like this

Are you tired of those
sissy 'friendship' poems
that always sound good,
but never actually come close
to reality?
Well, here is a series of
promises that actually speak of
True Friendship.
You WON'T see
cutesy little smiley faces
on this card-
Just the stone cold truth
of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something
that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared,
we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse
it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6.. When you are confused,
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have....

8. When you fall,
I'll pick you up
and dust you off--
After I laugh!!!

9. This is my oath....
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!
***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only YOU
can feel the
true warmth.
**********************
Try sending this to
10
of your closest friends ..
including the person
who sent this to you .....
Then, get depressed
'cause you can only
think of four!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines



1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.
2) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
3) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out
4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.
5) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
6) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
7) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
8) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND… The best for last!
9) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Why do I post jokes here?

An acquaintance asked me why I don't ever reciprocate and send any jokes to him. I responded that I seldom send jokes to anyone... except my wife who is in the kitchen on a laptop [computer]. I further told this acquaintance that I certainly didn't mind receiving jokes, but didn't necessarily appreciate being spammed every day with every lame excuse for a laugh... and even worse finding my email address among the list of 30 other recipients, none of whom I know.
Nope! I don't forward jokes much. If I think they're good, I post them here and label them as email.
If they are really good, I post them under my real name and take credit for originating them.

Oh, and I have set my email filter to forward all emails from the acquaintance back to him.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Don't blame me

Yesterday, Jane noticed the local crew who observe every move I make when I am at the desktop computer(s).
She then asked me if theses critters have names.



It turns out that several of them do have names. The second from the right is a "FluBug" named
B-Strain Bob. He used to make some really horrendous sounds. Next to him is ALF. Then way over to the left, hiding behind the mini Potato Head, is Goofy. None of the rest have been named and none were named by me.
So here's the challenge...
Name the rest of the critters, except for the golf trophy.

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right