Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bonus post

Over at hipstercrite there's a discussion about when parents are on Facebook. I do believe the answer may be found here:

click the image
BTW - I won't be joining in the debate

I beg to differ

.
I'm just claiming a slight difference of opinion here

A few months back... like December... I gave an award to Suldog.
There were several things that motivated me, not the least of which was that he did something really nice. Another was to stir things up.
He called this an asshat.

I'll show you an asshat!



Personally, I like the term ass weasel

Monday, June 28, 2010

Yesterday

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

There they stood in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" He demanded.

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"


I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers."

Sunday, June 27, 2010

God's Problem Now

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Saturday, June 26, 2010

In a Bar

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.


"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Friday, June 25, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

Hey kids, it's time again for What's that word?






just pick one [or more] and use it in a sentence

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

This is so, so wrong

The devil made me do it

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Late breaking news

BP ... announced today they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe & it immediately quit putting out……………….

About the funniest thing I ever heard

I had to visit a healthcare professional about a week ago on a routine visit. Typically, healthcare professionals don't feel they're doing their jobs if the patient isn't handed some kind of paperwork before leaving the office. This one handed me an order for lab tests, specifically blood work. Friday I received a call from the healthcare professional. They said I'm "normal."
How can they tell that from a blood test?
...and do they know their machines need to be recalibrated?

Monday, June 21, 2010

What was that?

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged the dealer and each of the players and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY ....

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men...are men. Uh, most of em anyway!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Saving on shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" SoThe blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Blogger's note:I know my profile says I'm orphaned. That's really a misdirection. My mother lived into her 80s and her second husband, the man I called 'Pop,' was one day shy of 90 when he passed. My father never made it home from the big one. Happy Fathers Day]

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

A mouse looked through the crack in the

wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered.

He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.



Retreating to the farmyard,

the mouse proclaimed this warning :

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"



The chicken clucked and scratched,

raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,

I can tell this is a grave concern to you,

but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it."



The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"



The pig sympathized, but said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it

but pray..

Be assured you are in my prayers."



The mouse turned to the cow and said,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"



The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you,

but it's no skin off my nose."



So, the mouse returned to the house,

head down and dejected,

to face the farmer's mousetrap

. . . Alone.. .. .



That very night

a sound was heard throughout the house

-- the sound Of a mousetrap catching its prey.



The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it.

It was a venomous snake

whose tail was caught in the trap.



The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

When she returned home she still had a fever.



Everyone knows you treat a fever

with fresh chicken soup.

So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard

for the soup's main ingredient:

But his wife's sickness continued.



Friends and neighbors

came to sit with her

around the clock.

To feed them,

the farmer butchered the pig.



But, alas,

the farmer's wife did not get well...

She died.



So many people came for her funeral

that the farmer had the cow slaughtered

to provide enough meat for all of them

for the funeral luncheon.



And the mouse looked upon it all

from his crack in the wall

with great sadness.



So, the next time you hear

someone is facing a problem

and you think it doesn't concern you,



remember ---



When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another

and make an extra effort

to encourage one another.



YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THIS

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER

HELPED YOU OUT...



AND LET THEM KNOW

HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.







- REMEMBER -




EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD

IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY.




OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

FOR A REASON.



One of the best things to hold onto

In this world is a FRIEND

Tuesday, June 15, 2010



That "word" has been up at the top of the blog for a couple of days. I just now realized that it can be pronounced in more than one way.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The power of a badge

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

Sunday, June 13, 2010

So, what's the deal?

There's a story going around that the pork industry is seeking a new slogan because "the Other White Meat" is seen as an outdated pitch.
Someone suggested Pork. The one you love. It was decided that it was just a little offensive.

Oh, and while we're at it:

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010

Fun with gibberish

You say potato and I say

or maybe it's a new beverage?

club soda and tomato juice?

seltzer and Clamato?

Just the thought makes me want to

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

I saw this yesterday. It seems like it is still relevant today.
He's a lot more random than I.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Local politics II

I was reading the online edition of the local daily this morning.
One of the County Supervisors may be in a runoff... depending on the final count.
Someone commented that if all of the information about this guy comes out he won't be re-elected.
He will if he wasn't screwing sleeping with his grandmother (see Monday).

question of the day

.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A:
Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

Local politics

.

An acquaintance, who is also the former county assessor, related that a friend in another county was telling him that, "as long as you don't get caught sleeping with your grandmother, you can continue to get re-elected."
It was all I could do to keep from mentioning that I remember four years ago when he was defeated.

...and that reminds me of a joke, a very bad joke.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Buffalo Theory

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on "Cheers."

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm, and here's how he explained it. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like
this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Anyone who knows me also knows that I don't espouse the consumption of alcohol... not do I condemn it.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

No joke



No, there's nothing special about Google. It's about Dennis Gabor, who received the Nobel Prize in Physics for inventing the hologram. If he'd discovered the fountain of youth, he'd probably still be living and 110 years old.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

I don't think we'll try the musical quiz again... at least not for awhile.

Somebody else posted about gastropods and it reminded me of this story:


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party
for some important guests. The wife was very
excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that
she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so
she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket,
walked out the door, down the steps, and out to
the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the
water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great
if she would even just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful
woman was standing right over him. They started
talking and she invited him back to her place. They
ended up spending the night together. At seven
o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
"Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran
down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such
a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs,
he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails
all down the stairs. The door opened just then,
with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he
looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"



the guy had to have been a lawyer?


Update -
two blogs I follow mentioned 'poop' today
.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A matter of great importance

The question has been posed:
Who will gain custody of the Internet?
Al or Tipper?
.

An American tourist asks a Scot:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Scot replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat."

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Oy!


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right