Saturday, July 31, 2010

Imaginary conversation

As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night.

The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered. I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration.

"Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your @$$, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."


I'm off to join Sure Happy It's Thursday on a vacation. Maybe, if time and circumstances permit, there will be a post or two from wherever it is we are.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I am gonna break a rule

.

I think I said somewhere that I wasn't going to put up links to other blogs on my sidebar? Anyway, I found a blog that really deserves semi-permanent promotion... like
That Is Priceless... because it's not about the blogger. It is about posting clips from other blogs without passing judgment on them.
So, now, if you choose, enjoy Hippest Snippets.

Know your audience

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Um, okay

"I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
~ Charles Pierce, 1980



Sure
Happy
It's
Thursday is on vacation. The rest of the blog will follow shortly

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

SAY WHAT....

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

Euphemism

.
Has anyone noticed how those "Easy Money" scam emails are mostly from Honorable people? Those poor misguided fools think that because our politicians are addressed as Honorable Such and Such, we trust them.
I do believe I may have found a new euphemism.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Know your surroundings




Do you suppose someone yelled "Holy Crap !!??"

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Know your surroundings

.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:
  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Friday, July 23, 2010

Euphemism

Visual fun... sound, too!



How can something so innocent...?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Bonus post

.

I think maybe this guy knows how to enjoy life?

.

Pronunciation guide

How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma?

Do you think your way is correct?

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma.

If you say OK...LAHOMA you're WRONG

The proper way is:

OKLA.....HOMA There's a gap between the 'a' and the'h'.

I can prove it.....................







There, you learned something today!

I do love educational emails....
Don't you?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Celibacy

.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy...

...and learning about homonyms

Monday, July 19, 2010

Once upon a time...

Last week Suldog posted about cover letters.
Oh, wait! He reposted. I just hadn't seen that post before. I hadn't seen it because it was five years old and five years ago I didn't know what a blog was let alone know how to spell B-L-O-G. That's neither here or there because this is about cover letters.
No, it's more about cover letter abuse. I know something about that because I used to be part of the hiring process.
I was a gatekeeper, the second person a job seeker met during the process.
The first person they met was a JAE [just another employee].
The rule was that no matter what the circumstances, the first person a job seeker encountered was to tell them that they should come back at 2pm the next day. Unless it was Saturday or Sunday, then they were to return on Tuesday at 10am. That was it. We left it up to the job seeker to determine what else was necessary. The really sincere ones asked who they should ask to see and if they needed to bring anything with them. Those who asked were told to bring a resume and a cover letter.
I should mention here that we probably had at least one person a day asking for an employment application. If you are going to collect unemployment insurance, you have to actively seek employment... if you get my drift.
The return tomorrow policy eliminated a lot of wasted time. About two-thirds never came back. Those who did actually at least started the process. They were divided into three categories:
Ones who were still clueless and had no information other than to come back. They were told to bring in a resume and cover letter on Thursday at 10am;
Ones who knew who to see, but had no other information. They were also told to bring in a resume and cover letter;
Ones who knew who to see and brought a resume and a cover letter.
Just imagine how many candidates were eliminated before anyone had to read anything?
It was fairly easy to tell who was seriously seeking employment. By seeing that the cover letter was job specific, we could tell how serious. That's when they were told they'd have to take a drug test.
If they passed, they got a job application.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A little behind

.
Use them wisely











There's a whole pile of these sitting in the storage facility and Friday's post over on Workforced reminded me how important it is to relieve pressure. I mean even if I were to post one each day, I would run out of room in the storage facility before I ever posted all of them.
.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single asshole, dumb bastard, dipshit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Drained

.
Yesterday [that's a lie, I wrote it Saturday] I attempted a five minute timed exercise in writing.
Today, I took a good hare look at it. I should mention that the bit about the cannery is based on fact. The fact is that I know someone who worked there and hated it. I, on the other hand, worked on a bottling line at a distilled spirits company. While I learned to hate the containers it came in, I never learned to dislike the product, only the result of the consumption of the product. It turns out that I am allergic and have been known to break out in handcuffs. I have never learned how to behave properly and am only worse when chemicals are involved.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So I challenged myself -
Put the pen to paper [figuratively] and write for five minutes without lifting the pen, not even to correct misspelled words [or typos].
fruit cups were mentioned on another blog and they brought up some strong memories of my misspent youth
when I was in college, I had a summer job at a cannery near my parents home. I would trudge daily to work the line, filling cans with fruit cocktail. the place was hot, hot, muggy hot, even when it was comfortable outside. and it was anhyhting but challenging work, standing in one spot on a concrete floor for two hours between breaks. But the pay was grand.
I detested that job. even today I avoid driving anywhere near where the plant was even though it has been gone for almost forty years... replaced by a Costco.
Speaking of Costco, I am reminded that even though the old building is gone and the output has changed, there are still lines in the building and what passes throught those lines aren't much different from fruit cocktail.

Then I realized that wariting with a pen on paper is far, far different from blogging. so it is dang near impossilbe to gone on continously forever and ever without breaking concentrations because the stupid computer does things that a pencil won't.
I'm annoyed with myself that I let so many things distract me and I can't always get the hamsters (squirrels?) to pull in the same direction at the same time. Number two is groominghimself right now and it's not a preety sight.
There are folks out there who write 'real' stories and I have the greatest admiration for them. they must have an attention span that allows them to hold a thought for at least a full minute. If I could write or type as fast as the mind races it might be a different story. it might even be a story.




My five are up. let me know if any of this beside the first few sentences makes any sense. Then try this exercise yourself. It's kind of like flushing the pulling the drain plug.

Feel free to correct spelling, punctuation and grammar errors. Just remember what the blogs title is and you might have some idea of my response.

Monday, July 12, 2010

A friend writes:

Gail and I were attending church services last Sunday.
About halfway through, Gail wrote a note and handed it to me.
It said, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
I scribbled back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

Saturday, July 10, 2010

NSFW

.
A man watching a game of golf on TV keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having lusty sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them!" his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!!!"

Friday, July 9, 2010

What ever happened to Sure Happy It's Thursday

The holiday screwed me up and I totally forgot. Ironically, yesterday's post was in the context of happy.
While external factors come into play where happiness is concerned, we are the ones who have our fingers on the switch.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Saw this

It was on another blog.
I thought maybe it was meant to be shared.

"Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than outward circumstances."

~ Benjamin Franklin

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

This must be true

I've seen it so many times



For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Maybe they could train them to be BLOG guards... to prevent these monthly hiccups?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What the...!!!

I think Blogger's messin' with me.
First off, I received email notification of comments on two of the posts. When I checked in neither of the comments was here, nor was there any evidence that they had been made.
Secondly, I was over to Suldog's and left a comment for him, but it isn't there... even though I got the confirmation after clicking the Publish Your Comment thingy.

Does anyone think that maybe Mountain View's been invaded by zombies

This is so wrong

There's dental floss and then there's this

Monday, July 5, 2010

Cerebral energy in a blender

Friday was quite a day.
Inspired by three different bloggers about totally disparate subjects, I found myself sitting in front of the computer Googling stuff I'd never have thought considered. My mind works that way.
You've already seen my reaction to Jane's post. I'm not sure exactly what to say about my reaction to Lora's post because it was a two-parter. I commented about the second part. Part one gave rise to a search, which found this.
Carolina also had the wheels spinning, as she had my curiosity piqued regarding a multitude of items and persons. While using the search engine the question arose [in my mind], would ladies rather be Googled or Binged?
o0o
Credit for the title goes to my wife, who had no idea what this post was about. And, if she had, never would have asked me what it meant.
Now she has had to wait three days to find out.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Read quietly

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

Remember....

Hold on tight to the ones you love!



Do not keep this.
Pass it along to anyone who matters.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

This made me want to pee

It was a thought

One of you may remember a post from several months ago. I'm surprised that I do. The post had something to do with cluttered desks. Then someone noticed something further about the picture. Friday I was making my appointed rounds lurking stalking, when Jane's post bit me on the caught my eye.
I was inspired.
I could take along one of the critters whenever I travel and include it in pictures to prove I really took the picture.
Then I had another thought.
I would be placing the critter so that it didn't entirely detract from the photo. Some bystander would say, "Hey mister. Nice doll!"

Friday, July 2, 2010

Life lesson

Unexpected ending – It’s great!



This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson?

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.



Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen
Live simply and appreciate what you have
Give more
Expect less


NOW .......Enough of that crap.The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Sure Happy It's Thursday

.
Today's the day we beg for seek reader participation.

A little over a week ago I posted about the funniest thing I ever heard. If you read that post, you will realize that irony really tickles my funny bone... along with a whole lot of other things.

Today what we're looking for is what you find funny.

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right