Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy Anniversay



I may never get to do this again. I mean, how often does the 29th of February roll around? (that's a rhetorical question, Stephen)

Today is a special day for a blog friend (at least he was until today) and HIS WIFE. This video is hereby dedicated to them



Well, he says he like fruitcakes


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Quote of...

"An intellectual is a person who's found one thing
that's more interesting than sex."
-- Aldous Huxley

Monday, February 27, 2012

Mathematics



This has been around awhile
I can't vouch for the validity of the first sentence

_____________________

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!



Sunday, February 26, 2012

So




I was minding my own business as I commented on another blog when suddenly this flashed on the screen




Then I asked myself





Saturday, February 25, 2012

I don't do this often



What's that?

It's not that I don't post links. I just don't gratuitously send readers to other blog straightaway

Except for now

Go here and see Carolina to find out why

or

Where was this advice thirty years ago?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hypnotist



It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
"I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sure Happy It's Thursday









Yeah, I can't quite get enough of that

Here's what it looked like on a good day





Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Sharing!!!



Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!!! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster,champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!!! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy ... he tears off my expensive NEW dress and has his way with me two times!!!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!!! ... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him???''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying ... WEAR AN OLD DRESS"!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Quote of the moment

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
-Flannery O'Connor



co-ed naked snow jogging

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Say, what?



I don't know what this is about and I want no part of it

what a ball buster

Friday, February 17, 2012

Co-ed Naked Pole Vaulting*


If I have to explain who Abbott and Costello are, forget I even posted this and just enjoy visions of the title



COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But... they are out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

*If I'd titled this Co-ed Naked Snow Jogging it would've been plagiarism.
This is creativity

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Sure Happy It's Thursday



THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground


The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'



Almost anything goes today ...almost

\/

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Trifecta


Three posts in one day... I gotta be careful...



Click on the image to read the original article about the Lunch Nazi


...it may raise expectations

It's not funny







/\

It's a year old, but still current






/\

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

just for today




Valentine quote:
"I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name!"
- Mike Binder

then there's this,



this,



...and, finally, this, which is what you'll have if you don't at least acknowledge today with your significant other

Monday, February 13, 2012

As a public service






For some unknown reason, as of 4:00pm (UTC), there were more pageviews from the Ukraine than from the U.S.
I kinda hate to think this blog is being used as a source for learning English


...and a quote for the day and most other days:
"There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press."
~ Mark Twain


\/

Friday, February 10, 2012

On the lighter side


New husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it... Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.


/\

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Investment tips for 2012


So I figured if Suldog, Mrs Linklater, and Knickleback Knucklehead can do prognostications or commentary, so can I. I'm just not going to take on an easy subject like the winner of a meaningless game (unless you own a TV network or a pro football team). Here's something we can all get on about:



With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman
Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: TittyTittyBangBang





/\

Sunday, February 5, 2012

...or in congress


Thanks to Dave Barry's crack research team


(click the image)

Brainstorming doesn't work


and...

A thought for the day:
Many a man's nose has been broken by his own middle finger.

...and today's quote:
"Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does."
~ Bill Nye
\/

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

It does feel like this







...and right after we were finished with Christmas, too!


/\

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right