Sunday, June 30, 2013

Friday, June 28, 2013

Mississippi




The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Louisiana




A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."






Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Georgia



The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Florida



Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, Then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Shelby Mustang. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Waxing...




Check one:

(   ) Philosophical
(   ) Poetically
(   ) None of the above
(   ) All of the above







I put them in that order on purpose

...and, no, I am not dwelling on what could have or should have been

Maybe later, on a different day.




Saturday, June 22, 2013

I think I knew him



Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent
for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and
were long time members of a hunting camp. They were
inseparable.

Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet, Cootersaid, “Yup, his face is burned up
pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope,
ain't Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he
brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up, roll him over. ”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it
ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” exclaimed the mortician.

“Yup, we never actually seen 'em but everybody used to say,
'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.'”






Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Federal administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.

Friday, June 21, 2013

WTF translator





And this...
...for learning what gov't acronyms mean
Today it's TSA
here for explanation


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Can this ever be fixed?



Women say one thing, men hear another...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go to the store and buy a
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work here is done.



Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Singular or ...?



A third grade school teacher was trying to
explain to her class the difference between
singular and plural.

She said, "What is it if one woman looks out
a window?"

Little Charlotte said, "Singular."

"Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if
three women are looking out of a window?"

Little Johnny mumbled just loud enough for
all to hear, "A wh0rehouse."

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Friday, June 14, 2013

Surprises

Suldog started it off with his post about artist and veteran, Sgt Pete Damon
It was a pleasant surprise
This guy's going viral among a small circle
Then I stopped over at Skip's for this
Skip posted twice this morning

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Let's critique another blog



Does anyone really believe that crap?
About Friday the 13th, I mean
Yeah, I know it's Thursday
But some of us (Skip is one) play a little game when the 13th is on another day of the week
It goes back to the Pogo comic strip and cartoonist Walt Kelly
Skip didn't mention it today
He's a little preoccupied.


Me?
I'm just slow today


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Don't let one grab a turnip



A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."


While we are on the subject:






Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Monday, June 3, 2013

!



Government Pipe Specifications 
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 
 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 
  6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe. 
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.


Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right