Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A man walks into...



A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections
to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."

He was filling the form until he came to the question - "Are you
circumcised?"

So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied: "Sir, I'm sorry, but, if you are circumcised, you
aren't eligible to run for election".

He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were
circumcised?"

She replied...."It's quite simple, sir...
To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick."


Thursday, July 25, 2013

What hiatus?





Being away has not diminished the number of pageviews...
...nor has it enhanced the number, either


Friday, July 19, 2013

Wow... that was refreshing



The Internet went on hiatus right after I posted the other day
So I did, too
I'm gonna do it again...
...right now


Meanwhile, whatever you do, don't click on this link



Wednesday, July 17, 2013

"Say what"



So... just this morning I figured out what's wrong with the public's impression of the U.S. Criminal justice system
There was TV tuned to a program called “And Justice For All”
It was obvious to me that the purpose of this show has very little to do with justice and much to do with entertainment
It is one of those courts people go to when they are too stupid to figure out the consequences of their own action and have to have someone else straighten out their mess
When this is what the general public sees as how courts work it creates a false impression of what justice is
On TV it's about revenge


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Slow withdrawal



Since I felt as though I was shortchanged in the state joke department, I decided to at least attempt to continue with some humor... albeit close to being over the line
You will understand when you reach the end of the story
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?" .............80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man..................
An avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when
the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.
It's good to see you here today.
Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not
have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front
of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation,
and said simply........
"I outlived all them m*** f***ers."

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Wyoming



I heard this one myself Told by a Wyoming native
Why don't you want to get sick or hurt after 6pm in Wyoming?
Because all of the veterinarians are closed.


That also brings to an end the jokes about states, unless I get some that aren't rehashes
It isn't that there aren't any more
There just don't seem to be any more original ones



Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Idaho



Four guys were driving cross country together-one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida and the last one from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and begins throwing them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have SO MANY of these damned things in Idaho, they're laying on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!!!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa that I am SICK of looking at them!!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out!


Monday, July 8, 2013

Washington



The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Puget Sound , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Sheriff's Deputies. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Deputies.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted. The Deputies looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The Deputy said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Sound." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Deputy continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 10 five pound Dungeness and 6 good-size rock crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Deputy said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Utah

So!
it appears this thing I started because somebody sent me an email with some jokes about folks in states other than theirs has become a fixation
I shoulda stopped when their jokes were used up
I haven't
We continue

I will preface the following by saying that Utah humor is very limited
Virtually every joke I found related to one of three universities
Most of those were unoriginal
The story, below, was ripped from the front page of a leading SLC newspaper.  Very interesting...

Justice in Salt Lake City... 

Salt Lake City, UT  (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of aSalt Lake County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a courtruling over who should have custody of him.. The boy has a history ofbeing beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody tohis aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiringthat family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat himmore than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. Whenthe judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boycried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learningthat domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, thejudge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose whoshould have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the childwelfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



Saturday, July 6, 2013

Colorado





98% OF AMERICANS SCREAM BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.


Friday, July 5, 2013

Twofer



These could go on for awhile

Nevada and California

 A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!
The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for?
That was an expensive bottle of wine!
The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."



Thursday, July 4, 2013

Arizona

This thing with the states was supposed to be done with
But it's almost too easy

This isn't so much a joke as a statement of fact
I found it over at Dr Heckle

It has been modified slightly because it suits my location as well



There's prolly one minor difference, though
Here, stupid doesn't wait for hot

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

New Mexico

This series was to end yesterday
The posts were only going to be about some states in the South
The Oregon post was an anomaly ...one that just happened to appear, if by magic
I love posting derogatory Oregon stuff 
If you were here yesterday, and read the comments, you will understand there was an implied challenge
That's why there is one more today

 A family from New Mexico decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building.
As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The New Mexico redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up.
They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde.
Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Texas



The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "


Monday, July 1, 2013

South Carolina



A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."



Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right