Friday, February 28, 2014

Be careful whatcha wish for



Apologies for the caps...
The idiot who sent this to me is almost a Luddite
I'm just to lazy to retype



A MODERN DAY COWBOY HAS SPENT MANY DAYS CROSSING THE DAKOTA PRAIRIES WITHOUT WATER.

HIS HORSE HAD ALREADY DIED OF THIRST. HE'S CRAWLING ALONG THE DUSTY GROUND, CERTAIN THAT HE HAS BREATHED HIS LAST BREATH, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SEES AN OBJECT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND SEVERAL YARDS AHEAD OF HIM.

HE CRAWLS TO THE OBJECT, PULLS IT OUT OF THE GROUND AND DISCOVERS WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN OLD BRIEFCASE.

HE OPENS IT AND OUT POPS A GENIE.
   
BUT THIS IS NO ORDINARY GENIE.

SHE IS WEARING AN INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ID BADGE AND A DULL GREY DRESS.

THERE'S A CALCULATOR IN HER POCKETBOOK. SHE HAS A PENCIL TUCKED BEHIND ONE EAR. ''WELL, COWBOY,'' SAYS THE GENIE, ''YOU KNOW HOW I WORK ... YOU HAVE THREE WISHES.''

''I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS,'' SAID THE COWBOY, ''I'M NOT GOING TO TRUST AN IRS GENIE.''

''WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? YOU'VE GOT NO TRANSPORTATION, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A GONER ANYWAY!''

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE AND DECIDES THAT THE GENIE IS RIGHT.

''OK! I WISH I WERE ALONG-SIDE A LUSH SPRING WITH PLENTY OF FOOD AND DRINK.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF BESIDE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SPRING HE HAS EVER SEEN, AND HE'S SURROUNDED WITH JUGS OF WINE AND PLATTERS OF DELICACIES.

''OK, COWPOKE, WHAT'S YOUR SECOND WISH.''
     
''MY SECOND WISH IS THAT I WAS RICH ....BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY TREASURE CHESTS FILLED WITH RARE GOLD COINS AND PRECIOUS GEMS.

''OK, COWPUNCHER, YOU HAVE JUST ONE MORE WISH.

BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!''


AFTER THINKING FOR A FEW MINUTES, THE COWBOY SAYS,
''I WISH THAT NO MATTER WHERE I GO, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WILL WANT AND NEED ME.''



***POOF***
     

HE WAS TURNED INTO A TAMPON.
     

MORAL OF THE STORY:
      IF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFERS TO HELP YOU, THERE'S GOING TO BE A STRING ATTACHED.

     

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Oops

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, more than you.  I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autocorrect.  I meant "WiFi", not "wife".

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Hmmmmm



Story here

Somebody posted a map the other day.
Obviously, the topic related on this map has nothing to do with the topic on the other map... at least in California.


Friday, February 7, 2014

Expert help



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize
 'Please allow me to help
I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me", she told him

'Oh, no, I'll be all right
I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trouser fly and put her hands inside
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel now' she asked?

"Feels absolutely great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"


Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right