It WAS only half right

!

Government Pipe Specifications 
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 
 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 
  6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe. 
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

GENTLEMEN - PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS...

Especially for my golfing friends but a lesson to all. . . .

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

ALABAMA STRIPPED OF BCS TITLE!!!

In a move that has stunned the sports world, President Obama issued a late night decree and mandated a "Touchdown Tax" against the University of Alabama football team and redistributed 2 touchdowns to Notre Dame.

The 14 point tax, which Obama declared "equal and fair", retroactively made the score a 28-28 tie, effectively allowing Notre Dame to maintain their #1 ranking and therefore assume the BCS National Championship title.

Obama phoned Alabama head coach Nick Saban and stated, "Those touchdowns ... you didn't score those."

Then, in an impromptu press conference, Obama further stated:
"WE CAN NOT ALLOW HARD WORK, TALENT AND DEDICATION TO BE REWARDED!!!
This goes against the all the American principals of equality that this administration is striving so hard to achieve."

He further stated that Alabama's excessive scoring was an example of "greed and excessiveness", before vehemently denying that this move was due to his disdain for the SEC, or Notre Dame's proximity to his home town of Chicago.

House shrew Nancy Pelosi applauded the move as did Dirty Harry Reid. The ESPN broadcast team stated their displeasure with the decision. "Does this mean we have to show pictures of ugly women, too?" said Brent Musberger.

There only one thing wrong with this

In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication


The other involves a groundhog

This just in

Similar events might occur with other aging pilots who often forget they
are not sitting in a real aircraft...

 Drone Pilot Ejects From Office Chair

FARGO, ND (The Global Edition)–When an electrical fire disabled Colonel
Doyle VanWatermulen’s Predator drone, the 65-year old veteran pilot
exclaimed “Mayday! Mayday! We’re going down! We’re going down!” while
sitting at his cubicle, sources close to his office confirmed.

Witnesses stated VanWatermulen began violently pulling and pushing the
various ergonomic levers under his seat in an apparent attempt to “eject”
himself. Unable to trigger an ejection, the pilot called out ”Jammed! I’m
outta here!” and rolled from his chair.

“Oh, right,” he said after hitting the concrete floor at the North Dakota
Air National Guard Station in Fargo, ND. His then un-piloted drone, armed
with two Hellfire missiles, reportedly crashed into an Afghanistan hillside
some 6,741 miles away.

Meanwhile Air Force officials have been at a loss to explain the pilot’s
bizarre behavior. However, one drone crew member, who wished to remain
anonymous, said there were some early warning signs, “We should have
suspected a problem when he [VanWatermulen] showed up for the mission in a
lambskin leather bomber jacket and helmet.”

The Air Force later issued a statement admitting that VanWatermulen was
part of a new program dubbed “Balding Eagle,” utilizing seasoned military
airmen to fill the government’s growing need for drone pilots.

The program has come under intense scrutiny following the incident. Concern
has mounted that similar events might occur with other aging pilots.

Defenders of the program argue this isolated case must not be used to bar
all older pilots from flying unmanned drones. In an article appearing in
next month’s AARP Magazine titled “The Baby Boom Bombers,” author Christine
Timmel argues that “With key accommodations such as post-it note reminders
and fun brain teasers, aging pilots can continue leading successful
Predator drone attacks.”

VanWatermulen is currently being treated for a broken right hip. No word
yet from the Air Force as to when VanWatermulen will return to work.

By TGE correspondent Jess McLain

Hah

My wife left a note on the fridge...

"It's not working! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold...

What the hell is she talking about?!!

So that's what happened to...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play Golf ..
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator
and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge
looking down and saw this man skipping along whistling and kicking up his
heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He
started thinking, What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still
have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping
down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on
with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels
again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy."

"My balls itch."

Another hoax blasted

A Buck Dollar Doesn't Go Nearly As Far Today

Innocense is priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?'

!

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

It was just one of those things

On the lighter side

New husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it... Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

/\

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied "but I still think my thumb's broken."
/\

Sensitive Hubby

who makes this stuff up?

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if
there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm very sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's
been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "Yeah I know, but she has a great personality and
is an excellent cook."

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Just what are they learning in school

(the eleventh day of Christmas)

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Random thoughts

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Men in Heaven

.

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here"

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