Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I don't get it



Two North Dakota good ol’ boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.  They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!!!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible . . .    I had him chained to a transmission."


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Sunday, March 2, 2014

A priest decided to do something a little different
He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind
-- the pastor shouted out
'CROSS'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out
'GRACE'
The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound'

The pastor said
'POWER'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD'

The Pastor said
'SEX'

The congregation fell into total silence
Everyone was in shock
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES'

Friday, February 28, 2014

Be careful whatcha wish for



Apologies for the caps...
The idiot who sent this to me is almost a Luddite
I'm just to lazy to retype



A MODERN DAY COWBOY HAS SPENT MANY DAYS CROSSING THE DAKOTA PRAIRIES WITHOUT WATER.

HIS HORSE HAD ALREADY DIED OF THIRST. HE'S CRAWLING ALONG THE DUSTY GROUND, CERTAIN THAT HE HAS BREATHED HIS LAST BREATH, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SEES AN OBJECT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND SEVERAL YARDS AHEAD OF HIM.

HE CRAWLS TO THE OBJECT, PULLS IT OUT OF THE GROUND AND DISCOVERS WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN OLD BRIEFCASE.

HE OPENS IT AND OUT POPS A GENIE.
   
BUT THIS IS NO ORDINARY GENIE.

SHE IS WEARING AN INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ID BADGE AND A DULL GREY DRESS.

THERE'S A CALCULATOR IN HER POCKETBOOK. SHE HAS A PENCIL TUCKED BEHIND ONE EAR. ''WELL, COWBOY,'' SAYS THE GENIE, ''YOU KNOW HOW I WORK ... YOU HAVE THREE WISHES.''

''I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS,'' SAID THE COWBOY, ''I'M NOT GOING TO TRUST AN IRS GENIE.''

''WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? YOU'VE GOT NO TRANSPORTATION, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A GONER ANYWAY!''

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE AND DECIDES THAT THE GENIE IS RIGHT.

''OK! I WISH I WERE ALONG-SIDE A LUSH SPRING WITH PLENTY OF FOOD AND DRINK.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF BESIDE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SPRING HE HAS EVER SEEN, AND HE'S SURROUNDED WITH JUGS OF WINE AND PLATTERS OF DELICACIES.

''OK, COWPOKE, WHAT'S YOUR SECOND WISH.''
     
''MY SECOND WISH IS THAT I WAS RICH ....BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY TREASURE CHESTS FILLED WITH RARE GOLD COINS AND PRECIOUS GEMS.

''OK, COWPUNCHER, YOU HAVE JUST ONE MORE WISH.

BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!''


AFTER THINKING FOR A FEW MINUTES, THE COWBOY SAYS,
''I WISH THAT NO MATTER WHERE I GO, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WILL WANT AND NEED ME.''



***POOF***
     

HE WAS TURNED INTO A TAMPON.
     

MORAL OF THE STORY:
      IF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFERS TO HELP YOU, THERE'S GOING TO BE A STRING ATTACHED.

     

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right