Saturday, December 31, 2011

(the seventh day of Christmas)

_

We went for a little drive



the full screen (and sound) version is HERE
\/

Friday, December 30, 2011

(the sixth day of Christmas)


We went for party supplies:

Customer: “Do you have guacamole here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Because I asked for guacamole at [competition], and they gave me this smooshy baby-poo green stuff!”
/\

Saturday, December 24, 2011

WARNING


WARNING for older men! Clever Scam...warn your friends!! This is very serious stuff!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the malls and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holiday’s get closer. This is a 'heads up' for those men... who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or WaLmart customers. This one caught me bysurprise.

Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen twice in November, and again on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, at least three times a week since and very likely again today.

So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up, they have proven it over and over again with me.

By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.

So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!
\/

Thursday, December 22, 2011

About bumper stickers


I heard somewhere that drivers of cars with bumper stickers tend to be more aggressive than those without



Merry Christmas anyway
\/

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Subject: 2-2-2012


In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

\/

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Even more brutal

When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?


Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.


Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
you're disgusting!'


Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'


His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'


'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

Sunday, December 18, 2011

World travelers with smartphones...


I found this in my inbox this morning. I am grateful the individual who sent it is unaware of my blog...




...he does something like this every year
/\

Saturday, December 17, 2011

People Of Walmart Song | Break.com

.
Not as good as Suldog's

People Of Walmart Song | Break.com

Actually ends at 5:45... if you last that long.
\/

Friday, December 16, 2011

Hey, sports fans


An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas , Texas and was trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she's a Cowboys fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan, then whom do you support?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco and my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a RAIDERS fan."

/\

Thursday, December 15, 2011

'Tis the season

_





Needed these sooner for the video slideshow

Then go check out this link

\/

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I screwed up yesterday


I totally forgot to credit Suldog for the words and music in the video slideshow. Despite that he said some of the nicest things.

/\

Monday, December 12, 2011

Somebody's tired already

_


I wonder what kind of music they're playing?
/\

Friday, December 9, 2011

Follow up


The other day we quoted an article about the costs of fighting terrorism. This morning I found out somebody overpaid.




...or maybe they have to pay more for stuff in Michigan?
\/

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The United States is fighting terrorism - one snow cone at a time.

Montcalm County recently received a $900 Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine.

The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission (WMSRDC) is a federal- and state-designated agency responsible for managing and administrating the homeland security program in Montcalm County and 12 other counties.

The WMSRDC recently purchased and transferred homeland security equipment to these counties - including 13 snow cone machines at a total cost of $11,700.


I'm speechless

This is the story

/\

Monday, December 5, 2011

I will refrain from commenting...

_

Story here

Any comment I make is better left to the imagination of those who know me and my quirky thoughts about certain drivers.
This story bears evidence that my thoughts may not be far from true fact
.
\/

Friday, December 2, 2011

This seems appropriate

_

Suldog's post yesterday reminded me, again, of this.



The only thing about it that bothers me is I can remember hearing this when it first came out and wearing out the record.
\/

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Decision, decisions...


.
I couldn't decide whose cartoon to steal today...






They're both from the same post
/\

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Post holiday funk

.
It used to be after Christmas that we'd go funky and slip into a mood. But now that the heavy merchandisers and credit card companies have hijacked the season and are doing their best to wrestle Thanksgiving away from us, too, I'm ready for the new year.

Only this year that's not going to help the mood much, either. Because almost immediately are the first of the primaries for President.

Maybe I'll become a hermit. I'd only have to move a couple of miles to lose cell phone service and wi-fi.
\/

Monday, November 28, 2011

I really wonder

_


This is about how I feel when the main news stories are about holiday shopping and how many folks are acting like ass weasels
\/

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It's take your dog for a walk day

_


Because tomorrow all of those amateurs will be out on the trails running off their dinner
/\

Saturday, November 19, 2011

.
My comment yesterday (on the Timmy post), that I do this mostly for the laughs, was almost right. Thinking about it a little more, the realization is it's done to see if there will be a reaction.
This all started because I liked being able to comment on other blogs using an alias. Then Carolina called me out.
There are some of you who know who I am. Your secrets are safe with me as long as mine is safe with you.
There's a real irony about this post. I only just now re-discovered that it was two years ago the day before yesterday that I started this blog.
The most fun I have is hiding stuff in plain sight (like in the sidebar, header, or footer).
/\

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Timmy


Timmy: Mommy, I have a drinking problem.
Mom: Oh my God! Timmy, you're only six! This is your no good father’s fault!
Dad: My fault? Maybe if you weren’t such a stuck up leech I wouldn’t have to drink!
Mom: You idiot! This family doesn’t need you! Get out!
Dad: I’m going!
Mom: Now tell me about your drinking problem, Timmy.
Timmy: If jack has three cans of Pepsi, and he drinks one, how many does he have left?



Saturday, November 12, 2011

How deer think



Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

/\

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tools Explained

.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
/\

Monday, November 7, 2011

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Men in Heaven

.
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here"
/\

Saturday, November 5, 2011

They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE!!!

.
The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we aint gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
/\

Friday, November 4, 2011

False alarm

.
TGFSF*
I was afraid my mind might become constipated if the crap I relate to couldn't be dumped.
It turns out the issue with the computer had more to do with trying to do too much (too many tabs open) than anything else. =]V[= explains it really well.


*Thank Goodness for small favors
/\

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Grrrrrrrr!

.
The work station I use for accessing the WEB is going to be out of service for awhile. Nobody can tell me how long that will be. I'm just mildly irritated really chuffed.
/\

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I was just reminded of something

.
There was a nonsense rhyme way back... well, it really doesn't rhyme, which is what makes it nonsense unless you knew the original rhyme that made sense.
Thirty days has September,
and no wonder,
all the rest have peanut butter,
except for my grandmother,
who rides a little red trycycle

Make of that what you will

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

We didn't make it

.
The quest for 1000 pageviews fell short. It wasn't because we didn't get the seven more I mentioned. It was because I can't do simple arithmetic... or somethin'
That's not important, anyway. There are many things far more important than how many people stop to look at this blog, though there have been 25 who've visited since 5pm (PDT) yesterday.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I almost posted a really bad joke.

.
My filter hasn't been working too well lately. So some of those thoughts that float around between my ears have actually found their way past my lips or through the keyboard. Once they are pas the lips there is no calling them back. Fortunately the keyboard requires extra steps to those thoughts don't always make into public.

On another note, even with the lack of activity here at the end of this month, we may have a thousand pageviews by 5:00pm local time. We only need seven more.
/\

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

So I took care of some business

.
Suldog knows what it's all about, and he's seen the result of my effort.
I do homemade stuff, okay?
Some folks even think I'm creative. We won't tell them that it's because I'm too lazy to leave the house.
I'm so lazy, in fact, that I sometimes don't even print the cards I create. I just turn them into PDFs and email 'em.

Speaking of Suldog, he gave me props for my TCF. I'll grant it is hard to miss. It's just my version of OCCUPY THIS! I suppose I could become passionate about giving holidays their due without interference from other holidays. But for the moment I shall show my support by refraining from naming that most intrusive holiday.

Now I think I shall go crawl back under the rock until the wind quits blowing.
/\

Friday, October 21, 2011

Hey boss

.
I'm taking a couple of personal days to recharge...

No, I'm not asking.

I'm telling

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Oopsy!

.


Trust me. Those were not my exact words when I realized I'd forgotten an important task. I will be making amends immediately.


/\

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Ok, I'll admit it

.
I actually clicked on a link over on another blog to find out who was eliminated from Dancing With Half-naked Women the Stars. I still have no idea who that person is. The name means absolutely nothing to me and I don't care.
/\

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Your Parrot's Dead


Rumor has it there is some clicky stuff you can do to enlarge this. Don't ask why I chose to post an image 'cause I don't have an answer... okay?
/\

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Reasons why we hate Facebook

_


Ironically, this was on Facebook... I mean I found it there.
/\

Friday, October 14, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

Glitch

.
For some darn reason, which probably has a reasonable explanation, none of the posts I had in the queue made their appearance whilst I was off frolicking in the hinterlands.
So now, dear readers, you know one of my little secrets.

Oh, well!
/\

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Fountain of youth

.
These four older ladies, who lived in Yugoslavia
always sat outside together near the church
and chatted about when they were younger.
One month ago they pooled their money together
And bought a laptop computer.




Never having been, but having heard all about Florida ,
they just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.
They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by
the Spaniards when they arrived there.
They collected up all the money they had and sent away for four
Bottles of the water from the Fountain of Youth.


As soon as their order arrived, they drank as directed.
























The rest of this story will make you a believer, because
here they are today..................




No.......This is TRUE! Really!
Would We lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available at
an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.
Seriously ...


HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!
Make checks payable to:


Democratic National Committee
(You can trust us, we would NEVER lie to you!)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

No comment

This is really one of those feel good stories that just leaves a lump in ya throat..!!


A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"




Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Buffering…

I think I earned at least one of these

_


Once upon a time I was what you might call a frequent visitor to the ol' ballyard. That was back in the day before the Giants shared it with the 'Niners. I remember the adventures fielders had with fly balls, particularly before the outfield end was closed in. Night games were awful. I can't begin to relate how cold it got. Day games were okay... until about 3pm. Then it was as bad as a night game.
Ironically, the 'Niners games don't suffer the same climate conditions the Giants did because of the time of year. I've attended any number of football games, even in December and it has been shirtsleeve weather. I'm not sure that was ever the case when they played at Kezar Stadium.
Back to the Stick- about the funniest thing I ever saw involved Willie McCovey. A pop-foul was hit to the right side and McCovey gave chase. Foul territory was huge so there was lots of room. As Stretch circled under the ball, a fan down in front of us began crying, "He's gonna drop it, he's gonna drop it, ...gonna drop it." Sure enough, he dropped it.
Today, they call being a Giants fan torture. I'm fairly certain it has been that way ever since they came west.

/\

Monday, October 3, 2011

Here's a thought

.
"Nothing can make you feel ungrateful without your participation."

Not one of mine, of course. But I could own it.

/\

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Shoebox doesn't post on weekends

_

Reporter 1, on the recent changes and mergers newspapers: “Well, we are owned by the second biggest newspaper conglomerate in the country.”
o
Reporter 2: “Pff. That’s like owning a sack of pennies.”

o-][-o

Editor: “There are so many ways this headline could have gone badly. I’m glad it was just dumb.”

o-][-o

Meteorologist in regards to a county sheriff setting off the tornado sirens: “People need to head to the basement, not Facebook, in these situations.”

o-][-o

Sports editor: “Don’t talk to me about the Red Sox. My kids didn’t know the F-word before last night.”

/\

Robin gifted me this

...and this, too!

Robyn gifted me this

Apryl presented this one

Bacon

Bacon
from Uncle Skip

An award

An award
From A Daft Scots Lass

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"

"...you magnificent ba$tard!"
from Ol' AF Sarge

Put it back where it started!!!

copy this

copy this
stick it anywhere

set things right