Monday, December 31, 2012

This just in

Similar events might occur with other aging pilots who often forget they
are not sitting in a real aircraft...

 Drone Pilot Ejects From Office Chair

FARGO, ND (The Global Edition)–When an electrical fire disabled Colonel
Doyle VanWatermulen’s Predator drone, the 65-year old veteran pilot
exclaimed “Mayday! Mayday! We’re going down! We’re going down!” while
sitting at his cubicle, sources close to his office confirmed.

Witnesses stated VanWatermulen began violently pulling and pushing the
various ergonomic levers under his seat in an apparent attempt to “eject”
himself. Unable to trigger an ejection, the pilot called out ”Jammed! I’m
outta here!” and rolled from his chair.

“Oh, right,” he said after hitting the concrete floor at the North Dakota
Air National Guard Station in Fargo, ND. His then un-piloted drone, armed
with two Hellfire missiles, reportedly crashed into an Afghanistan hillside
some 6,741 miles away.

Meanwhile Air Force officials have been at a loss to explain the pilot’s
bizarre behavior. However, one drone crew member, who wished to remain
anonymous, said there were some early warning signs, “We should have
suspected a problem when he [VanWatermulen] showed up for the mission in a
lambskin leather bomber jacket and helmet.”

The Air Force later issued a statement admitting that VanWatermulen was
part of a new program dubbed “Balding Eagle,” utilizing seasoned military
airmen to fill the government’s growing need for drone pilots.

The program has come under intense scrutiny following the incident. Concern
has mounted that similar events might occur with other aging pilots.

Defenders of the program argue this isolated case must not be used to bar
all older pilots from flying unmanned drones. In an article appearing in
next month’s AARP Magazine titled “The Baby Boom Bombers,” author Christine
Timmel argues that “With key accommodations such as post-it note reminders
and fun brain teasers, aging pilots can continue leading successful
Predator drone attacks.”

VanWatermulen is currently being treated for a broken right hip. No word
yet from the Air Force as to when VanWatermulen will return to work.

By TGE correspondent Jess McLain


  1. Heh. I know a geezer, also a former pilot, who just MIGHT qualify for the program.


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