The chance of a lifetime

Whatever you do, don't miss this opportunity to Stump the Chump.
Fellow blogger... and follower of this blog... Suldog has offered to give advice on any subject your heart may desire. He will post his answers on Monday, April 5. At least that's what he says.
I have already emailed my question to him. I forget what it was. So his answer will be a double surprise for me.
Your question may be either emailed to suldog@aol.com or, as he put it, you can post it in the comments at Dear Poochie.
Then, if you really like the answer he gives, you can present him with an award. He loves awards.

Blathering on

Another blogger has tickled my funny bone.
...wonder if he knows anything about Minnie Pearl Jam?

I really need to get a life

I was going to ask if anyone here realized that there aren't nearly as many blog posts on weekends as there are Monday through Friday.
Then in dawned on me that most of the people who follow this blog probably don't because they are actually having a life instead of following others.

On another note: I am going to stay away from Facebook. It is far too dangerous

Palm Sunday

Speaking of Palm Sunday....
Did you hear the one about the midget palm reader who head butted a guard while escaping from jail?
The headline read:

Small medium at large

Sad

I was just reading on one of the more popular (if you count reader responses in the comments section) blogs that I visit that the blogger is no longer accepting any comments on the blog because so many have become vitriolic to the point where the initial message has been lost. Worse, the language stinks worse than flatulence. .

LEATHER

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck.

Lawyer joke

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place… The grass is almost a foot high"

Hey!

I got nothin'... yet!

Suldog posted

Ah, Shoot... Look At That Hair...

All I could think of was Ah, Look... Shoot At That Hair...

My bad

Stupid never seldom takes a day off

I was going to do something else this afternoon but the Internet was right here in front of me and this example gave me the giggles.

I'm glad I didn't say that

Copy Editor to Reporter: “It’s probably not a good idea to use the term ‘no-brainer’ in a story about special education.”

Blank

So go read Dr Heckle (that's one of the milder posts). Then have a nice weekend.

I suppose... nah, never mind.

Let's go pillaging!!!

Someone... I think it was a noted journalist... said that multiple exclamation points was some kind of insanity.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about another kind of insanity that I read about here. If it wasn't so crazy, it would be humorous.

Anyway, go read it. Then come back and tell me us what you think.

Down at the bottom of the page

...you'll find that there is a collection building. There is a little irony in that although there are three awards, they have been presented by only two individuals, unless, of course, we are dealing with multiple personalities [but let's not go there]. There's even more irony in that the two who have presented said awards have the same name with only a slight variation in spelling.

The real trick is holding up my end. Now I am supposed to follow some certain requirements, like acknowledging that Robyn, over at Life by Chocolate, gave me the most recent award; telling all y'all five things you don't know about me; and pass the award to five more folks.

So I took care of the first one. I could send you on a goose chase to the other posts I've made about my peculiarities. Instead you get this:
1) 6'1"
2) 200 lbs [more or less]
3) chocolate ice cream (which is why it's 200 lbs)
4) blue eyes
5) brown (mostly) hair (all of it)

Now for part three I am again presenting the award by osmosis. That means that everyone I come in contact with gets the award... except for Suldog and he (and anyone who has followed his blog) knows why. The reason for this is that I prefer to operate covertly. That, and I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So, if you find yourself a little shy in the awards department, just grab one from the bottom of the page and tell folks, "It gave it to me."

I hope you remember this

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the
task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes
she found four people who were equally
qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four
in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around
the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT' It just
pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.. 'And,
now you sir?', she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink' it comes and
goes and you don't know that it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of.'


'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an
eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.

‘She then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.

'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out
of the house and on the wall there's a light
switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light on the barn
comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I
can think of'..

Jennifer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought she had found her
man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'
she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final
man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Ol' Bubba replied, 'After hearing the
previous three answers, it's obvious to me
that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the
response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I
ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already shit my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time
you enter a Wal-Mart...

Bulletin

I just read this on Facebook ...posted by at least a half dozen people who all know one another ...and felt the necessity to pass it along:

"IF YOU GET A NOTIFICATION THAT YOU ARE TAGGED IN A PIC OF "WHO IS STALKING MY PROFILE" DON'T CLICK THE 'TRY ME' LINK BECAUSE IT'S A VIRUS. IT'S SPREADING VERY FAST. WHAT TO DO: FIND YOUR NAME UNDER THE PICTURE THEN CLICK ON 'REMOVE TAG' THATS NEXT TO YOUR NAME! PLEASE, PASS THIS ON SO IT STOPS"

Okay now here's what you do - Copy it exactly as it you see it here and paste it into all of your social networking sites, email it to all of your contacts and post it to your blog. Do it now!

We sure don't want anyone to miss this... ever!

P.S. don't look for Ivan on F/B

It ain't natural

Yesterday at this time it was getting dark more or less.
Now it's still full Sun.
Well, I guess I'll settle for that over rain... though we need that, too.

Listen to me... a veritable font of joy!

Peace

The hamsters are quiet lately... maybe that's a good thing?

Are you ready for this

Frackin' daylight savings starts Sunday morning.
Does it start in the daylight?
Heck, no! It starts when everybody but the lat shift bartender should be asleep.
They have to do it then because, folks, an hour of sleep is being stolen borrowed (it will be returned sometime in the fall).
This entire exercise would be entirely unnecessary if the peoples of the planet Earth could agree that it can be the same time everywhere. You know, a uniform time.
Oh, wait... we have that. The Brits bagged it and are holding it hostage in Greenwich.
What I am saying is that with so much of what goes on in the world happening 24/7, it is kind of ridiculous that every few thousand miles we have to add (or subtract) an hour.
It's not like someone wants a conversion to metric time... although once we are at less than a second or over 100 years it becomes metric.
So what, if my 8:00am now would become 4:00pm? It only means that I would now be on the swing shift and that there's be sunshine at midnight.

I guess what I'm sayin' is that if we all shared a single time zone, we wouldn't have to screw around with the darn clocks twice a year or when we traveled cross-country.

I got another one of those emails...

Attacked by a.... WHAT?!!

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Did I mention?

That I like anchovies?

Oh yeah, number 4...

Okay, here goes again some more:

5. I absolutely believe that Italian Dry Salami is something I should eat three times a every day. There has to be some in the fridge.

6. When I was a little kid I thought that concrete delivery trucks were called "palms."
Y'see, one day we were driving down a street that evidently had some palm trees in the median. However, I was looking at a concrete delivery truck when someone said, "look at that palm."

Here's the last one. I was gonna tell ya that Ivan isn't really my name, but Suldog did that already even though he couldn't really be absolutely certain. Carolina figured it out right from the get-go, even before there was a blog... or an email address.

7. I used to have fun when I would post comments to other blogs by linking my name to random blogs or websites and creating fictitious, though believable, email addresses.

So that's my story. Now all I have to do is present these awards. The problem I have run into is that if I follow the instructions to the letter, then there will be some good folks out there who will know who Ivan really is. I had planned to award them to unsuspecting folk who'd never heard of me. Instead I will follow the lead of a blogger who I admire and just plant the awards somwhere here for others to see and wonder, "what'd he ever do to deserve an award?"

Bonus!!!
#8 I love contractions... to the point that I will even make them up.

About yesterday's post

I should mention that somewhere there IS a video. It's old VHS and probably doesn't even play any more... but it is a story.

Number One grandson... heck he's number one grandchild... was about five years old... he's 25 now and has his own son.
It was just before Halloween. We were all in the kitchen carving pumpkins... well his mom and her mom (my wife, though we hadn't made it official yet) were carving pumpkins. I was drinking beer(s). As part of the process, a family video production of the pumpkin carving was taking place. There were three pumpkins. With artistic advice from grandson, Mom carved one, her mom another. Then it was decided it was my turn.
The camera was still rolling.
As I bent down to pick up the third pumpkin from the floor, grandson said, "Make a funny face!"
The only thought that went through my mind at that moment was that a "Moon" face was about as funny as I could get.


We are not going to see that video here.

I digress

Hipstercrite offered some suggestions for increasing blog traffic.
One of them had to do with posting a photo of a part of the anatomy. Well actually she suggested posting photos and just used the anatomy part as an example.

In any event we won't be posting photos of parts of the anatomy here because she didn't give me permission to use her photo.


maybe more of the meme later (not today)

I'm gonna really stretch this out

The rules for the Blogger awards are...

1. Thank the person that nominated you; link to the person that gave you the award.
2. Pass this award on to 15 bloggers (7 for beautiful blogger) you've discovered and think are fantastic.
3. Contact said blogs and let them know, they've won.
4. State 7 things about yourself. (This goes for both)

I already thanked Apryl once. Thanks again. Visit her blog SFFIPG [too lazy to spell it out]

Well folks I gonna nominate some bloggers... eventually. I don't know how many, but that's just how it is. I will contact them when I do. You're off the hook Suldog.

Now about those seven things:
1. I broke my leg, but that was the easy part. I also tore the ligaments that keep the foot facing in the right direction.
A friend of mine and I were tobogganing. We met two ladies. We all tried to ride a two person toboggan. The toboggan hit a mogul and went airborne. I was in the front. End of story. Oh, it was 45 years ago.

I will only count that as one thing even though it covers about seven items

2. I totaled my '64 Volkswagen... rolled that puppy over. I was so pissed... in more ways than one... that I tried to shoot down the Moon with a .38 Cal. revolver. The statute of limitations has run out on that, too

We'll count those as one, too

3. Used a Top Secret clearance in the military (Navy) to personal advantage. I never saw anything that was even close to being Top Secret, but there were places I could go that others couldn't... nap time!!! even more than 45 years ago

4. I like anchovies. There's an advantage to that, too. I would offer to share a pizza with a co-worker. They could order what they'd want on their half. I'd have anchovies on my half. I never mentioned that the flavor migrates. More pizza for me

Maybe I'll work on this some more tomorrow...

...maybe not

Postponement

The separation of awards has been delayed because the hamsters decided that I should post a link to passiveaggressivenotes.com
I have selected this post as my current favorite. Don't let that stop you from checking out others.

Honest, I haven't forgotten about the meme(s). I'm just remembering that I am as lazy as the next guy and can procrastinate better than most.


Yeah, and then I read on hipstercrite that I don't have to blog naked to get fans. St Peter on a pogo stick... you learn something new every day.

Okay, here's the story.

Somebody got lazy and Krazy Glued two awards together. They have all kinds of special criteria that the awarded is supposed to follow when accepting them. It's no small wonder that Sully goes off when he receives one.
I sure do hope he really appreciates the thought that went into the one I presented at the end of the year. There were only two rules and it can't be passed along because it's what it is.
Anyhow, I have been presented with these two awards and I will have to do something about them. First thing is to perform surgery and separate them. I thought about dropping a nuke but that wouldn't be nice.
Nowhere in the instructions did it say that all of the criteria have to be done at the same time. So first things first I hereby thank Robin at Writing on the Wall, although it seems more like I have been given a writing assignment. I do hope that she's making progress with quitting smoking. I'm not sure if I should be thanking Apryl. She stopped short of giving them to me because she'd already found her fifteen victims recipients, including Robin. Kinda helps if you understand the expression, Shot at and missed, shit at and hit.
Since Sully has cornered the market on barbecuing the presenters, I won't even go anywhere near that. I will take my own sweet time about following up. And furthermore, I will modify the criteria because that appears to be acceptable because the precedent has already be set.
If you have read this far looking for the seven things I am supposed to say about myself, you have wasted the effort today. I may not say seven things about myself in an entire week... at least nothing declarative.
I will, over the course of the next few years, eventually meet the criteria set forth by me. I have already taken care of number one. But in case you missed it: Thank you Robin. I really do appreciate the sentiment.
Oh, I bet you're wondering which awards they are:

I suppose I will have to stick them somewhere on the blog, too?

Flash!!!

This couldn't wait because it's already late

Blathering on

One Two of the worst ideas I have heard in a long time: Everyone should work at least one job in retail; Everyone should serve some time in the military.

What if there was some horrible damn accident and they were promoted?

-o0o-

On another note: I, along with fifteen other bloggers, received an award... actually it was two attached at the hip. There is some sort of obligation that goes along with the acceptance of these awards so it will be awhile before I complete the task. The hard part will be finding enough people that I know well enough to pass them along. Oh! Wait!! I can just click on the next blog thingy!!!
Chaos reigns.

Missing Wife

I keeping with the mostly lack of seriousness on this blog, I have scraped the bottom of the barrel.


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Two things

1) I was disappointed in the outcome of the hockey final yesterday, but not in the game. It was righteous because there were no goats. Hockey season can end now and take basketball with it. I'm ready for some baseball.


2) The political season is well underway. I mean, of course, the lead up to elections. I have only recently discovered that the English,,, the folks who use extra vowels, but otherwise speak the same language as the U.S.,,, are suffering from the same dilemma. I am so tired of the darned political posturing because I am absolutely sure that none of those incompetents believes a word that's coming from his mouth.