Friday, December 31, 2010
I can't believe some of the comments posted to Youtube after this was uploaded. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
And the manner of our giving is the measure of our deed.
The growing need for caring is the measure of our task
And the little you can give them is the little that I ask.
I figured it's worth repeating now, rather than wait until the new year. There's always still time to do something.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Now, what was I saying here?
Oh yeah. There are a few posts around and about that have to do with the current holiday(s). A couple of them are just links to other posts [I won't name the
I went out and found some Christmas stuff of my own. Well, actually I copied it from other places that had in turn stolen them.
If anyone finds these offensive... I'm sorry.
Now take some time, sit back, play these in order from top to bottom, and enjoy.
I'll see ya'll sometime next week
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk
- A carton of eggs
- A quart of orange juice
- A head of lettuce
- A 2 lb. can of coffee
- A 1 lb. package of bacon
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Monday, December 20, 2010
I was looking at an item on the web about the public's perceptions of Congress, specifically, why we love to hate it. There were more comments than I wanted to read. But among the sampling I did read job creation was one of the things that some folks felt they wanted Congress to handle.
I really don't think that is such a wise idea. It seems to me we already have too many people working for the government. What we really need are more folks working in the private sector, earning money so we can afford to pay those working for the government.
Here, in my neck of the woods, government is the largest employer and it is going broke. They have tried to resolve the problem by raising fees and taxes. But they can't pass a tax increase and every time the fees are raised fewer folks find a need to do whatever the fee is for. The local government has attempted to reduce costs by eliminating jobs. But even though employees claim they're not paid wages comparable to the private sector, they don't want to seek private employment.
I think what we need in our government, especially Congress, are out best and brightest, rather than the folks who are so inept that couldn't get a real job. About the only thing they're good at is posturing and rhetoric.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she
watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
As you can see I posted it exactly as it was emailed.
This same correspondent also sent me a video I may share.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I lay the cause of this to the holiday sales starting in October. I say holiday because the folks like me, who celebrate Christmas, aren't alone in giving gifts this time of year.
Some of our local places shelves look pretty empty. Worse, some of the shopping areas have more vacancies than stores. So it looks like there will have to be a Plan B this year. The grocery store has onions on sale. Does anyone know where I can get some coal?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I guess it's not just limited to shopping, either. There's a whole dynamic involved. It is only a few folks who really mess it up for everyone else and they manage to do it royally. For example, I was down by the post office, where there is only on-street parallel parking. Usually there are 8-10 parking spots. However, in this particular instance two individuals had managed to park in such a manner that theirs were the only vehicles able to fit within the space allotted.
Sometimes it is the store employees who make life difficult during the season. I was in the local branch of a certain Arkansas based superstore. The first thing I noticed is that most of the employees on the floor made every effort to avoid eye contact, appearing to be in a rush to somewhere else... well, except for the greeter and the checker.
Another thing in the same store. As I sought the item I wanted to buy, I heard a phone begin to ring, and ring... and ring. So I looked to see where it was coming from. It was in the cell-phone department, where two employees were blissfully ignoring the ringing, which continued for almost a full minute.
BTW - I never did find the item I was looking for, not could I get the attention of anyone to help me.
We used to have local businesses, who carried the merchandise I needed and who were more than willing to assist a customer. But they were unable to compete with the superstore.
I seem to have become invisible. On another occasion, I was with my wife, walking through a store, when another person... I think it was a customer... stepped in from the side, blocking my path, and began walking alongside my wife.
The Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, is asking those who "see something, say something." But the only contact number given is 911... maybe next time.
The drivers on the road aren't much better. But at least so far they are remembering the rules of the road and staying to the right.
Oh! And hey! There's the only other place in town to buy groceries. There seems to be some kind of war going on among the beverage (beer & soft drink) distributors. It is virtually impossible to take a food basket down some of the aisles because they are blocked by floor displays and
I much prefer shopping to be a "hands on" experience. But I certainly understand why so many folks find it simpler to do it online.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the doctor."
Monday, December 13, 2010
In this world of hi-tech gadgetry I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very important to it.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Is everybody clear on that?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
...and that's the way it is....
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I think these 2 pictures make some kind of statement!
Here is what Obama needs set up to talk to a few school children. Not much room for kids. Still needs to have the Teleprompters. The secret service guy in back keeps eyes out for any terrorist-type-8-year-olds with tea partying parents. Notice he had to have his own oval rug ?
Here's what the last guy needed.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
--- Benjamin Disraeli
I haven't published any original stuff here in quite awhile... mainly because by the time I get around to it, I have forgotten what it was. Besides this blog never would have appeared had it not been for a challenge from Carolina. It was she who said something like, "So why don't you?"
There's a certainty that everyone knows Ivan Toblog (aka IT) is a nom de plume or nom de guerre, as the case may be, solely for the purpose of commenting on others blogs and lurking. I like being able to yank your chain more or less anonymously. I find it absolutely astounding that there are 25 followers (that's what the dashboard says) and it's amazing that somehow I have managed almost a post a day since I started. Of course, very little of it is original, and what is original lacks much substance. But, what the hey, it's an outlet. I can let off steam here, and I do.
I appreciate those who stop by, even more those who comment, but mostly those who put a lot of thought and effort into their blogs.
I'm guessing I will keep posting stuff that tickles my fancy and occasionally may post something original. But mostly I will surf the blogosphere and comment occasionally.
Friday, December 3, 2010
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,
"Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The company I work for
is merging with
so I'll either be moving to Scranton...
...or, if they catch me blogging, looking for employment.
Maybe I can open a noodle shop and call it.
...until sometime before next year and my batteries are recharged.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
barbershop. They were both just getting finished
with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for
some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff
on me! My wife will think I've been in a cathouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead
and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside
of a cathouse smells like.
NOTE: Admirals don't go to barbershops. Barbershops come to Admirals... so it was probably really a senior Lieutenant or Lieutenant Commander.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the $#!* out of him.
Monday, November 15, 2010
At the prodding of my friends I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Honor and I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I have always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons - something I have done for over 30 years.
During those years I found that children have many levels of musical ability, and even though I have never had the pleasure of having a prodigy, I have taught some very talented students. However, I have also had my share of what I call 'musically challenged' pupils - one such pupil being Robby.
Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano, so I took him as a student.
Well, Robby began his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavour. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary piano pieces that I require all my students to learn. Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he would always say 'My mom's going to hear me play someday'. But to me, it seemed hopeless; he just did not have any inborn ability.
I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled, but never dropped in.
Then one day Robby stopped coming for his lessons. I thought about calling him, but assumed that because of his lack of ability he had decided to pursue something else. I was also glad that he had stopped coming - he was a bad advertisement for my teaching!
Several weeks later I mailed a flyer recital to the students' homes. To my surprise, Robby (who had received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and that because he had dropped out, he really did not qualify. He told me that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to his piano lessons, but that he had been practicing. 'Please Miss Honor, I've just got to play' he insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital - perhaps it was his insistence or maybe something inside of me saying that it would be all right.
The night of the recital came and the high school gymnasium was packed with parents, relatives and friends. I put Robby last in the program, just before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he might do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my 'curtain closer'.
Well, the recital went off without a hitch, the students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on the stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it. 'Why wasn't he dressed up like the other students?' I thought. 'Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?' Robby pulled out the piano bench, and I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen to play Mozart's Concerto No. 21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys; they even danced nimbly on the ivories He went from pianissimo to fortissimo, from allegro to virtuoso; his suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by anyone his age.
After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo, and everyone was on their feet in wild applause! Overcome and in tears, I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. 'I have never heard you play like that Robby, how did you do it?' Through the microphone Robby explained: 'Well, Miss Honor .... Remember I told you that my mom was sick? Well, she actually had cancer and passed away this morning. And well..... she was born deaf, so tonight was the first time she had ever heard me play, and I wanted to make it special.'
There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed in to foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy. I thought to myself then how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil. No, I have never had a prodigy, but that night I became a prodigy.... of Robby. He was the teacher and I was the pupil, for he had taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself, and may be even taking a chance on someone and you didn't know why.
Robby was killed years later in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April, 1995.
And now, a footnote to the story. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably wondering which people on your address list aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference! So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice -Do we act with compassion or do we pass up that opportunity and leave the world a bit colder in the process?
You now have two choices: 1. Delete this; OR 2. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made. Thank you for reading this. May God Bless you today, tomorrow and always? If God didn't have a purpose for us, we wouldn't be here!
Now for the rest of the story. Don't think for one damn minute that I wasn't moved by the story.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Customer: “I think my chili is still frozen.”
Me: “Are you sure? It should be quite hot.”
Customer: “I’ll show you.”
(He gets the chili and attempts to put his spoon in it.)
Me: “Sir, the lid is still on.”
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The day came and as the four sat Around the conference room table, Denise asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Denise. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm......let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Denise. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply...
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Denise was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Denise posed the same question..
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Denise, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
That's not the issue.
The issue is that he's not threatening mayhem. His exact words were, "...I'll probably cut Phyllis some slack and be nice."
I'm worried that maybe he's mellowing as he ages.
He'll probably start writing poetry next... Sheesh!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Suldog agrees that informational pickets aren't entirely out of the question.
Afterthought: there was an election. I'm not going to comment ...Yet!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
...or to post really lame jokes, either?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
This is very timely. The latest newsletter from The Texas Gardener' Seeds said: Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy animals. Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly, and bats are less likely to be rabid than dogs are. Need another reason? Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent of the seed dispersal essential to the regeneration of forests.
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the Bat Family...without the need for resorting to fiction.
Red-Winged Fruit Bat
Left-Winged Ding Bat
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
NOT CELL PHONES..
NOR THE RADIO..
NOR THE GPS MONITOR.....
NOR WATCHING A CAR VIDEO....
NOR CHANGING CD's...
THE MOST FREQUENT CAUSES OF TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS ARE:
You guessed it- inappropriate footwear!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Now it appears that I am gonna have to go into extreme makeover mode when I want to change it back.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up
and reveals a lack of underwear. "Good Lord woman!
Why aren't you wearing any bloomers?" her husband
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money
to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy
yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on
the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too
is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!
Ye've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give
He reaches into his pocket and say, "For the sake of
decency, here is 10. Go buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also
takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where
are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer
the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Whatever could be so important that it needed instant response?
Well, lemme tell ya. It was all about another blogger who we both follow... when she bothers to post.
I'm sure it was brought about by the commencement of the baseball playoffs... but it has little to do with baseball and more to do with speculation about who she's dating. I'm saying it's nobody on the Giants and definitely not Buster Posey. In fact I am of the opinion that it isn't even a player, but someone in the front office of the Philadelphia Phillies.
That's as far as I am going with this because I am pretty sure I've already stuck my neck out far enough.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up
back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on
the other. He thinks the first one might get bored
watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd
love to play your trombone."
So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his
apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's
stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'll
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
Sunday, October 3, 2010
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell
"Get your dogs here" and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is
very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns
hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for
a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
"What part did you get"?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
My thoughts were that that nobody wants to hear about periods and they certainly don't want to know about my colon.
I'm sure there's more rattling around up there, just couldn't grasp it long enough to put it into words that anyone but me can understand.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Somewhere else I saw some dialog where a blogger described herself as living "...with my husband, cat and seven chickens." I almost immediately thought about the placement of commas and why would anyone name someone "cat?"
Another blogger posted some randomness I totally identified with. The only difference between us is he can remember the good stuff long enough to get it out.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts when he meets Murphy.
Murphy says "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?"
Paddy says, "If you can guess how many are in there, you can have both of them"...............
Murphy says, "Four!"
The others were far more off-color... not that some aren't worth repeating... just not here. I do have some standards.
The Interwebs seem to be having some difficulties... or maybe it's just me. Some connections are taking forever and others aren't happening at all.
I periodically check to see what's going on with Blogs of Note. Monday they selected a blog that hasn't had a post since June of 2009 and that one was three weeks after the previous one. It was to announce that the blogger was taking a leave from blogging.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It seems someone has been trying to promote this event for about eight years. I only just became aware of it because I don't get out much now that I find it necessary to fill blog space.
Monday, September 20, 2010
She's way too nice and didn't tag anyone else... just asked for volunteers. I figured what the hey, I can answer those questions... and since I wasn't tagged, I don't have to tag anyone else. So here are the questions and responses... played straight:
1. What was your favourite back to school item to buy?
Every year it seemed like I needed a new jacket. I'm not sure if it was buying the jacket or just shopping for it... or maybe it was the one on one time with my mom?
2. What was your favourite subject in school?
That's really easy. It was reading, followed by spelling. I like them because I didn't have to study.
3. Did you ride the bus or get a ride from Mom/Carpool?
I rode my by mostly, except when it rained. Then it was the bus. Mom only drove if the bus was missed on a rainy day.
4. Do you have a sack lunch or cafeteria food?
Sack lunch, except on Wednesdays, when they had hot dogs in the cafeteria. That is after they built the cafeteria. Before that we had to bring lunch.
5. What is your favourite memory from your school days?
The last day of school before summer vacation.
Oh. I guess I forgot to mention that she writes in English English rather than American Englush. Hence the extra letter in favorite.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Not only did I get the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is "The Fiji Islands."
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona ."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one..
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
Friday, September 10, 2010
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, herself is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'